Even the darkest night has to end

    Have you ever said a word so much that it loses it's meaning? or told a story so many times, that you can tell it without thinking, and any meaning or wonder that was once in there is gone?
  I am the point where I have talked about one thing so much, that I am actually starting to realize how childish and petty I sound. The horse has been dead for awhile, the flies are circling, and the vultures have been gone. In the words of my former roommate it's time to "put the baby to bed".
     I have obsessed, and ruminated, and replayed scenarios in my head so much so, that I annoy myself. What good is it going to do? what's done is done, and it can't be changed. I made it to the other side, I lived to tell the tale, there were no tunnels of light beckoning, or deceased relatives calling me home. Do I wish that the situation could have been different?... sure. who wouldn't want to go back and change something from time to time.
     The things I have experienced in the last year have brought me closer to the ones I love, made me realize how important my family is, and taught me a lot about my relationship with God. These are things that although hard to learn at the time, I would not trade them for the world. I also learned that there is no shame in asking for help. So I'm moving on. life is too short to obsess about what went wrong or who wasn't there. I have too much I want to accomplish in life, to think about what could have been. If i get an answer, fine. if I get an explanation, an apology, or a gold medal..fine. But I will never be satisfied. My head has been filled with fallacious tales, and grand expectations that it will never recover from.
   I have family that loves, and cares about me, friends that accept me in spite of my flaws, and a dog who forgives me in the blink of an eye, and is always good for a snuggle. Life is too short to not progress, to move forward and better ourselves. there are a lot of things that I don't like about myself right now, but the good thing is, that after a year, I am FINALLY at a place where I want to do something about it! I want to go to the gym! I want to start biking, I want to eat healthy and feel attractive again! you may not realize how big of an accomplishment this is, but believe me.... it is.

     my posts to come are going to be a lot more chipper, I apologize for the somewhat solemn subject matter.....keep it classy my non-sleep deprived friends

Old Jim

The horses’ name was Jim; he lived a long and happy life

A long and happy life that is

Until I stabbed him with my knife

I slashed him with my bitterness, and the blunt end of my defeat

Self-loathing had a whack at him, and so did my deceit

Jim was un-assuming, he didn’t deserve this end

Jim deserved to be happy, to die along a friend

But after Jim was lying on the ground,

Beaten and bloody with no one else around

I couldn’t let him have dignity,

I lay down my knife and I started to pound

My fists were the story retold,

And the taking of the sides,

The bruises formed were the second-guessing

And the changing of the tide

The insecurities and thirsting to be right, the need for validation,

The beating continued into the night.  

No one to fight for Jim or beg for his salvation

Poor Jim had nothing left when I got done with him,

He was a shell, of the great and valiant horse, that Jim had once been.

With each thought and rumination, my dignity slowly left,

With each angry word, and haughty thought,

My kindness was bruised by theft

So now I’ll bury Jim, leave him with what dignity remains,

His poor majestic body will always live with stains. I’ll leave him in the ground; I won’t dig him up again

My bitterness I will leave behind, six feet under with old Jim