Random awesomeness, or Awesome Randomness...you decide

I've been watching a lot of Grey's anatomy lately. This has been a good thing and also a bad thing.
It has been a good thing because it gives me something to do while I am a sick. It has been a bad thing because I am still waiting to find out what is wrong with my shoulder, and it has made my already active imagination to run rampant...this is not good. The most extreme scenario involves me getting surgery again; but once I am in surgery something goes terribly wrong: I get a blood clot, the doctor has a drinking problem and cuts a nerve, somebody holding the knife sneezes and severs a blood vessel, and they have to amputate my whole arm. First of all, I already feel like my arm is useless because nobody will hire me, because I'm not allowed to lift more than5 pounds. I also don't know if I could do office work because sitting at a desk with my arm in one position for too long, pisses it off, and then I would have to take painkillers, and no one likes a drugged up, loopy co-worker. So basically right now, I am useless...or at least my right arm is... even just sitting in my bed, typing this is getting tiring, but I digress. I think that I'm worthless now, with a ten pound limp noodle hanging at my side all the time, I'd be really great with no arm at all. My shirts would fit funny, I'm not sure how putting a bra on would would work, (I would probably have to wear it like a toga), I wouldn't be able to give a proper hug, (and really like giving hugs. getting them are good too, but I like to be the one providing comfort sometimes, not just getting it) I wouldn't be able stiff arm someone while holding a rugby ball, I wouldn't be able to open jars, or type very well on a keyboard. The hug thing deserves a second mention.
  On the other hand, if I my Dr. was half as hot as McDreamy, or Mcsteamy, I might be okay losing my arm as long as I knew they were operating on me. I doubt that any of these things are going to happen, but the thought of surgery can be scary for anyone, especially if they have already been through it once, and 4 months later, there is no improvement.
   If I did lose an arm though, I would find a way to be okay with it. One of the people I look up to the most was paralyzed from the waist down over ten years ago and she is one of the most amazing people I know. she plays wheelchair tennis, and is on a bobsled team. In the time that I have know her I have never heard her say a negative thing about her life..or about anything for that matter. she's taken everything that life has given her with a smile; at least from what I have seen, I am sure that she has had down days, but who doesn't.
  This post is kind of everywhere, but I have my 2 a.m wind, so deal with it. I have this weird sickness that renders me useless all day, making me feel nauseous and dizzy, but as soon as midnight rolls around, I have all the energy in the world. I could clean my room if I wanted to...I won't, but the option is always there; instead, I watch Grey's anatomy, chew on a straw as a way to channel my nervous energy, and blog.
  I started another blog a year ago, and posted once. I started this blog 3 weeks ago, and I've posted like 6 times, and already had over 200 views. that is pretty cool. I'm not quite sure what is responsible for all these thoughts, and poem making, but I am grateful for it; considering a year ago that I was a shell of a person, and could barely get out of bed in the morning, I am grateful for the new found insight, and contemplation. I hope that this will last. I have gone through a lot of phases in my life. I don't want this new found lease on life to be a phase. I see so many things that I want to do while I have all this time, get in shape, study for the G.r.e, take the G.r.e and pass this time, do things for other people, find a job, be social, go on dates. But I get into this phase of thinking of all these things I am going to do to make my life better, and then it putters off in a week or before it even gets started. But this time it feels different. I know that a lot of these things are going to take time, and not happen overnight, but what else am I doing? for the next year, I am in limbo. I have to take the G.r.e to get into grad school, and this time next year I plan to be in grad school (you see the trend).
  It's just nice to feel somewhat like my old self again. I lost A LOT of confidence, and self-esteem last year and I slowly getting it back, but I don't expect myself to be exactly the same as I was before. I want to be Ashlee 2.0, the new and improved version. I want to be confident in the person I am becoming, and the decisions I am making; and I never want to be ashamed of either of those things. I recognize that I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them and not be overly hard on myself. So many times in my life, I was angry at myself for not being perfect all of the time, but that gets pretty exhausting pretty quick. So I'm trying this new thing, recognizing I'm not perfect, learning from my mistake, improving where I can, and moving on. But also not settling and letting myself remain dormant for too long. I want to be the kind of person who is never done learning. I don't want to be the 60 year old granny who is set in her ways. I always want to be learning, and experiencing new things. Keeping an open mind; not compromising my standards or values, but still, keeping an open mind. It is possible, I promise.
 I can't think of poem right now....so....yeah
Stay classy my well rested friends