My Brain Needs An Off Switch

Why is it so hard to open up to people? To tell another human things that you would never tell another human? Aside from the obvious trust issues that a lot of people have from being screwed over by people who were obviously not hugged as children, what makes us keep some things locked up in a top of the line safe with barbwire and c-4 ready to blow? I have a theory.

            Call it being religious, call it old school, call it what you will but I believe that some things I life need to remain sacred; whether it be religious experiences or personal experiences happy, or sad, some things need to be kept sacred. These experiences cannot be kept sacred however, when everyone knows about them. The more you talk about them, the more value they lose, and the less real, and sacred they become to you. Soon enough they are just another story that is put in the artillery belt to be used in a game of one-upmanship.

            Another part of this theory included the sanctity of relationships. In this case friendships, because I have never dated anyone, but I think the theory could apply interchangeably to both except for the whole making out thing.

Deciding what to tell certain people is like a game of poker. In poker, you don’t just lay your cards out on the table for everyone to see. If the other players want to see your cards they have to pay for it. Sometimes you make some work harder than others to see your cards, but other times, you fold before anyone can get a peak. You never want to give up too much too fast. If you let people know what kind of hand you have before the betting even begins, they are going know how to manipulate and beat you in future hands; but if you keep your cool, and make people pay to see what you have, even if you have a hand full of crap, they will never under-estimate you. This is similar to friendship, because there are certain things that you will let certain people see. You let co-workers see your work ethic, and maybe share mundane “how was your weekend stories”. School friends you talk about parties you went to, how bad the professor sucks, and how much you didn’t study for the up-coming test. If you laid everything out on the table to everyone, you’d be seen as that one girl who “over shared” and talked way too much

            At this point I also integrate my theory of pals, buddies, and friends. A pal is a casual friend that you met in class, or see at a work. You might talk about your weekends, or talk about how you should totally hang out and then never do; the relationship basically consists of intense head-nods as you pass each other in the hall, or a loud “dude what’s up” across the quad.

            A buddy is someone you get along well with and probably even share similar likes and personality traits, but you still only show certain sides of yourself. You go to the gym with your buddy, watch you tube videos, talk about stupid things you did as a kid, what guys you think are hot, and who at school or work you would want to pounce on.

            The friend is the Holy Grail. The friend gets the 360 views. It’s not always clear how the friend relationship starts. A buddy could turn into a friend. It’s more rare that a pal could turn into a friend, but it has been known to happen.

A friend is that person you tell EVERYTHING to. You talk about you relationship with your siblings, why your mom and dad don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, your first kiss, first crush, and the nicknames that people called you in high school. Sometimes we have secrets that we don’t even tell friends; not at first at least. We have to test the waters and make sure that we can trust them. That’s why we divulge the superficial stuff first to see how they’ll react. If we can trust them with those things, then we can move on to topics with a little more meat, like why we get a little glisten eyed every time we hear “everybody hurts” by REM, and how we actually got that scar on our forearm.

When they pass that test, more often than not they move into best friend status, and we divulge the things we’ve “never told anyone else”. These are the topics that are sacred. By sharing these things with the people closest to us, we are telling them “I trust you, and I now know enough of you that I know that you won’t betray me or hurt me, and if you do…well you remember the stories I told you about my uncle who just got out of prison…Ha ha… No but seriously”.

I’m not sure why it is a human impulse to “share” with others. I’m sure that it has something to do with intimacy, and bonding, and building a strong relationship, and the fact that we are the only lucky species to have that whole verbal thing goin’ for us. But when was it decide that sharing secrets would be what brought us closer to others? I’m sure that I have my own logical answer, but for the sake of being contrary, just go with it.

So for the sake of building stronger bonds, we share with people. We share those things from our past that we have conquered or the things we still struggle with, and sometimes we even share our sacred experiences. Sharing with someone can in itself, be a sacred experience. Why do you think that people only have 2 or 3 “best” friends? Because any more than that and they would just be called “friends”.

That’s also another reason that people have “best” friends for many, many years, because after those bonds are formed, they are not easily broken, and when they are, well it’s not just like you can go pick up another one at the best friend store. People also only have 2 or 3 “best” friends because these relationships take a lot of work. Real friendships require communication, compromise, and accepting the other person in spite of their faults (not unlike a dating relationship). 

Having a best friend is like having your own superhero. They know what you’re going to say before you are, they’ll bring any fool to justice who tries to mess, with you, they’ll be your personal warm shield, or human pillow, they have supersonic hearing when you need them to listen, they bear the gift of pity food in the form of chocolate or ice cream, they have x-ray vision that can see into your soul, they teach you the language from their planet that only you two know, and they have the super duper BS detector when it comes to your dating relationships.

I had a point to this spiel and then I started writing and forgot…Oh yeah! I originally started writing this because I was thinking about how hard it is to not be able to always be around your best friend. It’s the greatest thing to be able to share those things you’ve “never told anyone else” with your best friend, but the stronger the bond you form with someone, the more it’s going to hurt when you aren’t constantly around that person anymore. It made me start thinking about why we even put the effort into having a best friend if you just have to be ripped away at some point; any significant relationship for that matter.

It’s that whole inherent need that we as humans have to form relationships with others, to share our deepest secrets, and hopes with another human. I guess, somewhere deep inside, we think that letting 1 or 2 other people know who we truly are is better than letting a thousand people know how our weekend was.