I like to listen to music that makes me think about the lyrics I'm listening to. Sometimes I will stew over a particular song for days. The most recent victim caught in my bear trap of a brain, is a song by John Mayer. If you have never heard the album "Continuum" I highly recommend it. The whole album is great. The particular song I have been thinking about is called "Stop This Train". It's about the things in life that we can't control. I've provided the link here.
John Mayer uses a train as a metaphor for life. "stop this train, I want to get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in". Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of death. I remember vividly, having panic attacks as a child because I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of death. I now accept that death is a part of life, and now I just worry about life after death. In my religion we believe that there is life after death, we believe that we can be with our families for eternity. This thought is very comforting and extremely scary to me at the same time. I would love nothing more than to be with my family forever, but I not unlike most other humans, can not possibly wrap my head around the idea of forever. When I think about it I feel the panic attack coming until I direct my thoughts elsewhere...moving on.
I've thought a lot about my life; the things I've already accomplished, the things that have yet to happen. I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on the last year, until now. I graduated from college, I left the place I lived for 3 years, friends, a job.I began to see the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel, that had been my life for the last year. I went back to a summer job I hadn't been to in 3 years, A place that I never thought I would return to; not because I didn't like it. On the contrary, I credit the Wyman Teen Leadership program for making me the person I am today. without all of the people I met, the lessons I learned, the tears and the laughs, I wouldn't be me. I thought that I had learned everything I needed to from that experience, but I was wrong. Through divine intervention I was able to return last summer. I had just given my two weeks at my other job, and a member of the supervisory staff had found another job, they were in a bind... I needed a job. It worked out perfectly. I met people that I'm so glad to have in my life, and had adventures in the hills of Tennessee I wouldn't trade for the world. The end of 2012 wasn't so hot, but I'm becoming optimistic about 2013.
I feel like there is something great I should be accomplishing. I'm currently looking into graduate schools to pursue my masters degree in social work... I think. My mind always seems to change. That's what feels right for now.
I know that at some point in my life I will do great things. Right now I can't see it, I spend a lot of time regretting the past, ruminating on the person I used to be. The past is gone, I cannot bring it back, the train has left the station and continued on it's track.
I know that if I let myself, I will find the thing I need to do, and I will let myself have the adventures I need to have. there are a couple things I am excited for in 2013
1- road trip to Missouri with one of the only people if not the only person who understands and laughs at 95% of my jokes
2-Returning to Wyman for a jam packed summer
3- getting a job (fingers crossed)
4- getting in shape, and feeling healthy
5- cutting my arm off, or finally finding out what's wrong...at this point I'm ready to take the first option
6- skinny dipping...or for me...chunky dunking
and many other things to come.
I know that I have gone off on many tangents, but I would like to leave you with a thought I have started to form....hopefully it will sound somewhat coherent.
All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive.
I'm sorry if this was fractured, and didn't make a bit of sense. I just felt like it needed to be written.. if for no one elses benefit but my own
Stay classy
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
VInnie the boo
Last year, was the worst year of my life. I was working 40 hours a week, I was in the last semester of my undergrad, and I was also in a horribly deep depression. Without delving to deep into my personal life, let me just tell you that I had never felt so hopeless, and lost in my whole life. I was trying different medications, but nothing was helping, and the side effects were just making everything worse.
I had heard that having a pet was helpful in the treatment of depression. There's not a whole lot of research out on the subject, but there have been studies that have shown, that people who own dogs live longer healthier lives.(don't quote me, I could be wrong.)
Everyday for a month I Looked at dogs on the internet. We weren't allowed to have pets where I lived, so I was basically just torturing myself. I started going to the disability resource center on campus because I didn't no where to go, but I knew that I needed help. I started meeting with a man named David. He told me about places I could go to on campus that offered counseling. He also told me about emotional support animals. an emotional support animal is not a service dog that you see from time to time with the little blue vests on. although there are service dogs that are trained to help those with chronic depression; they can find your keys, wake you up if you stay in bed too long...but I digress. An emotional support animal is just that. they are a companion, they are that light in the darkness that you other wise wouldn't have. It's in the name, they provide emotional support. They don't require any training, but they do have certain rights under the rehabilitation act. If you live in a place where animals are not allowed, the owner must make an exception for emotional support animals, if you can prove in a letter written by a physician or mental health counselor that this animal improves your quality of life, that could not be improved without this animal. I had found a glimmer of hope. I threw myself into doing research on emotional support animals and whether I would even qualify. In the meantime I was still torturing myself, looking at dogs, for sale or adoption. One day I came across an ad for a free dog; his name was Vincent, a 7 year old, salt and pepper schnauzer... I fell in love. I had found what I was looking for. I immediately contacted the owner and let her know that I was interested. She told me that Vincent had been abandoned by his previous owners, and that she had rescued him, but because she was moving to a place that didn't allow dogs, she had to get rid of him.
To make a long story short, a lot of things came into place, and I was allowed to adopt Vincent. He is my best friend. He barks A LOT, and sometimes jumps on me when I am sleeping, but I would not trade him for anything in the world. When I adopted Vincent I had something else to live for. I didn't just have myself to worry about anymore. I'm not going to tell you that I was cured and I was never depressed again, but I was so glad that I had another living being to focus on. whenever I got panic attacks, Vincent was there to let me pet him, or he would simply lay his head on my chest. He was the answer to my prayers. I don't know what would have happened had he not come into my life. Every day I am so grateful for him, and I can't imagine the thought of being without him. He brings me so much joy, and asks for nothing in return except that I pet him more.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Let us honor the victims
When I was a child I used to worry about a death. I would worry so much that I would have panic attacks and run to my mom crying, and asking her what I should do. Being the wise woman that my mom is, she would tell me that I shouldn't worry about things that I had no control over, and then she would tell me to watch a funny movie to get my mind off of whatever I was worrying about.
I have cried at least once a day since Friday. I have never been more saddened by an event than I have by the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting; and no amount of funny movies have been able to get my mind off of it. Even though this is one of those things that I have no control over, I can't help but think about the pain and anguish that the town of Newtown Connecticut is experiencing right now.
I think that when something like this happens, we examine our lives, at least I do. I think about how selfish I am, like how I've been thinking about how much I dislike Christmas, and how my life isn't going exactly how I planned, and how at this point in my life I thought that I would be married, maybe have 1 or 2 kiddos waddling around. there are 20 kids who were killed at the most innocent stage of their lives. they don't get to open their Christmas presents waiting under the tree. they don't get to learn how to drive a car, experience high school or college, or have a family of their own. There are 6 women, who left children, husbands, parents, and friends. they were in the career they loved, and they risked their lives, so that their students would have the opportunity to live and experience the things they already had.
The only thing I'm worrying about right now is how I can make sure that the deaths of these 26 people won't be in vain. What can I do to be a better person and make a contribution in the world. I'm not quite sure what that is yet, but I'm not worried, about the things that seem so small and insignificant right now.
I take comfort in the fact that I know that God lives, and that on Friday he welcomed home some of his children and took them his arms. I know without a doubt that his angels are watching over the families, of these beautiful people, and that he sent them feelings of comfort and peace.
I hope that this event will make us all reexamine our lives, and think about the things and the people in our lives that are important to us. I hope that this won't be one of those things that we forget after a month and go back to the way things were. Let us tell our friends and family what they mean to us, and help our neighbor a little more. let us be patient with the cashier when we've had a bad day. I hope that we might all be a little bit more observant and find little ways that we can help strangers we come in contact with; let us look outside ourselves, and find ways to make the world a better place to live, not only for us, but for the generations that will inhabit this world when we are gone.
This is my prayer, and my plan of how to honor those who had their lives taken from them much too early.
I have cried at least once a day since Friday. I have never been more saddened by an event than I have by the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting; and no amount of funny movies have been able to get my mind off of it. Even though this is one of those things that I have no control over, I can't help but think about the pain and anguish that the town of Newtown Connecticut is experiencing right now.
I think that when something like this happens, we examine our lives, at least I do. I think about how selfish I am, like how I've been thinking about how much I dislike Christmas, and how my life isn't going exactly how I planned, and how at this point in my life I thought that I would be married, maybe have 1 or 2 kiddos waddling around. there are 20 kids who were killed at the most innocent stage of their lives. they don't get to open their Christmas presents waiting under the tree. they don't get to learn how to drive a car, experience high school or college, or have a family of their own. There are 6 women, who left children, husbands, parents, and friends. they were in the career they loved, and they risked their lives, so that their students would have the opportunity to live and experience the things they already had.
The only thing I'm worrying about right now is how I can make sure that the deaths of these 26 people won't be in vain. What can I do to be a better person and make a contribution in the world. I'm not quite sure what that is yet, but I'm not worried, about the things that seem so small and insignificant right now.
I take comfort in the fact that I know that God lives, and that on Friday he welcomed home some of his children and took them his arms. I know without a doubt that his angels are watching over the families, of these beautiful people, and that he sent them feelings of comfort and peace.
I hope that this event will make us all reexamine our lives, and think about the things and the people in our lives that are important to us. I hope that this won't be one of those things that we forget after a month and go back to the way things were. Let us tell our friends and family what they mean to us, and help our neighbor a little more. let us be patient with the cashier when we've had a bad day. I hope that we might all be a little bit more observant and find little ways that we can help strangers we come in contact with; let us look outside ourselves, and find ways to make the world a better place to live, not only for us, but for the generations that will inhabit this world when we are gone.
This is my prayer, and my plan of how to honor those who had their lives taken from them much too early.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
short and sweet...Like me when I eat a lot of sugar
Well Kids, I know it's been awhile so I thought that I should throw the dogs a bone.
I got my shoulder scoped! everything went well, recovery is moving along speedily, and optimal sleep is being achieved..WOOT.
I've been in a weird mood for the last week, and I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but I feel like I need to change a few things in my life, and you know what they say..there's no time like the present. Getting healthier is one of those things, figuring out what to do with my life is another. Focusing on the positive relationships in my life is yet another. I have a very tight network of people who have been there for me these last few months. My family being one of them. I look at other families, and realize how incredibly lucky I am to have such a close relationship with all of my siblings and Awesome supportive parents who go with the flow.
I don't know what I would do without my friends. I'm grateful that I've been able to reconnect with friends from high school and college, and that I've been able to stay connected with my kindred spirit even if we live 2000 miles apart:)
Enjoy the poem. this is one I wrote tonight. a product of residual feelings
Stay classy
I got my shoulder scoped! everything went well, recovery is moving along speedily, and optimal sleep is being achieved..WOOT.
I've been in a weird mood for the last week, and I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but I feel like I need to change a few things in my life, and you know what they say..there's no time like the present. Getting healthier is one of those things, figuring out what to do with my life is another. Focusing on the positive relationships in my life is yet another. I have a very tight network of people who have been there for me these last few months. My family being one of them. I look at other families, and realize how incredibly lucky I am to have such a close relationship with all of my siblings and Awesome supportive parents who go with the flow.
I don't know what I would do without my friends. I'm grateful that I've been able to reconnect with friends from high school and college, and that I've been able to stay connected with my kindred spirit even if we live 2000 miles apart:)
Enjoy the poem. this is one I wrote tonight. a product of residual feelings
Stay classy
FLEE
I don’t miss you
anymore
The aching has found
an end
Even though I thought
we would always be
Friends
The only thoughts
left are sadness, and occasional anger
Sadness, because you
will never fully know what you lost
Anger, because I
think of wasted time, and energy spent obsessing and caring
Obsessing about
whether or not you would ever talk to me
Caring about what you
thought, and whether you would call or text me
I wouldn’t be the
same without meeting you, and I’m grateful for the time we spent as friends,
but I owe it to myself to call an end an end.
Because that’s what
we do when we get older and mature
We put away the
childish things and move far away from the things that have potential to cause
us harm.
We flee from the
darkness, in search of the light
We leave the critics
and join the supporters of our plight
Enjoy your new life
Enjoy your new
friends
I’ll enjoy my new
beginnings
And the ends of the
end
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Limbo...and not the kind with the stick
Great News! I can sleep! YAY! it's a friggin' miracle and i don't know how it happened, but for the past week and a half I have been going to bed around 10:30 and sleeping until 8. It's Amazing. I haven't been able to sleep like that since before my first surgery in April. It could have something to do with the fact that I am working in a butcher shop and have to be on my feet for 8 hours a day, but I'm not going to tempt the fates with questions... It is what it is.
So why may you ask am I awake right now? because my brain is going at warp speed and if I don't get my thoughts out in some medium, then I will have weird dreams and restless sleep...and no one wants that.
Since 2005 my life has been a whirlwind of awesomeness. I started school, that summer I went to work at Camp Coca Cola in Eureka Missouri, 2 weeks after that ended I was back at school, 1 month after school ended I was back at Camp, a month and a half after camp, I went on a mission for a year and a half. 1 month after my mission, it was back to good ole Missouri, 3 weeks after that I went to Utah State Where I worked full time, played rugby, went to school full time, helped with research, mentored peers in the counseling center, helped plan outreach events, and attended a slew of meetings. I graduated, moved away from Logan and went back to camp this last summer... and now? I live with my parents...
for the past 7 years I have been GO GO GO and for the first time in that long I am dormant. I feel like I am in Limbo. I see the light, but for whatever reason I can't go towards it. in my case, the light is graduate school, living in different cities, being around friends. And my limbo you might ask? A tear in a part of the shoulder called the Labrum. This is only part of Limbo, but consequently the biggest part. I chose to move back home, so that I could regroup, figure out my next move, apply for grad schools, so that, come fall of 2013, I'm gone, back to the tornado that is life, and grad school. But because of my little labral friend, plans are being rethought. I found out yesterday that my surgery will be on Halloween! WOO HOO! I am excited to get my noodly appendage back. I can't wait to be able to lift weights, horse play, and all the other good stuff you can do without worry of something popping or hurting.
So it looks like Grad school is on hold until 2014, that is if I can decide what I want to do. I also would like to live in a different city while I'm figuring it all out. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on a really cool party that all my friends are having a blast at, and I'm just outside freezing my butt off. I love this precious time that I get with my family and the opportunity I have to see my niece get older, but things can only last for so long, and then its time to move on to the next stage. in this case, the next stage is living closer to friends, and other people in my general age range.
But for now I shall find Joy in limbo, and focus on nursing noodle arm back to health. I'll find meaning in the present, and look towards the future with hope.
And for now I shall join the ranks of the well rested, so I shall end this post with simply
Keep it classy
So why may you ask am I awake right now? because my brain is going at warp speed and if I don't get my thoughts out in some medium, then I will have weird dreams and restless sleep...and no one wants that.
Since 2005 my life has been a whirlwind of awesomeness. I started school, that summer I went to work at Camp Coca Cola in Eureka Missouri, 2 weeks after that ended I was back at school, 1 month after school ended I was back at Camp, a month and a half after camp, I went on a mission for a year and a half. 1 month after my mission, it was back to good ole Missouri, 3 weeks after that I went to Utah State Where I worked full time, played rugby, went to school full time, helped with research, mentored peers in the counseling center, helped plan outreach events, and attended a slew of meetings. I graduated, moved away from Logan and went back to camp this last summer... and now? I live with my parents...
for the past 7 years I have been GO GO GO and for the first time in that long I am dormant. I feel like I am in Limbo. I see the light, but for whatever reason I can't go towards it. in my case, the light is graduate school, living in different cities, being around friends. And my limbo you might ask? A tear in a part of the shoulder called the Labrum. This is only part of Limbo, but consequently the biggest part. I chose to move back home, so that I could regroup, figure out my next move, apply for grad schools, so that, come fall of 2013, I'm gone, back to the tornado that is life, and grad school. But because of my little labral friend, plans are being rethought. I found out yesterday that my surgery will be on Halloween! WOO HOO! I am excited to get my noodly appendage back. I can't wait to be able to lift weights, horse play, and all the other good stuff you can do without worry of something popping or hurting.
So it looks like Grad school is on hold until 2014, that is if I can decide what I want to do. I also would like to live in a different city while I'm figuring it all out. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on a really cool party that all my friends are having a blast at, and I'm just outside freezing my butt off. I love this precious time that I get with my family and the opportunity I have to see my niece get older, but things can only last for so long, and then its time to move on to the next stage. in this case, the next stage is living closer to friends, and other people in my general age range.
But for now I shall find Joy in limbo, and focus on nursing noodle arm back to health. I'll find meaning in the present, and look towards the future with hope.
And for now I shall join the ranks of the well rested, so I shall end this post with simply
Keep it classy
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Muse is Mute
Is it only me, or does it seem like there has to be some Major life events for inspiration to come? A break-up, marriage, the birth of child, death of a family member, traumatic life circumstances. It's no surprise to me that some of the greatest poets, artists, and musicians have lived pretty crappy lives, but have found inspiration through these events to write books, poetry, and symphonies. in my first my 23 years of life I probably wrote a total of 10 poems, if that. In the last 4 months, I have written over 25 poems, and that's just the finished ones. I have a lot that have been started.
My point is this; My life hasn't been a cake walk for the last year and a half, I would compare it more to a cake walk where the cakes are made out of broken glass and I have to walk on them without shoes; But I have been able to process these experiences through writing, and poetry... But now, I've got nothin'. Bupkiss. Goose eggs. My life isn't by any means perfect, but it's a lot better than it has been in awhile. The problem is, I have nothing to write about, no inspiration comes to mind. I can throw a rhyme together as good as the next incredibly word minded person, but it used to be that I could just start typing and words would cascaded onto the screen, but now I just stare at an empty word document.
I just got a job working a few hours at a butcher shop, but that doesn't exactly inspire the next great American poem. Not many things rhyme with Goat hamburger, or Elk jerky. I guess the next step to finding inspiration would be, falling in love, because I'm sure not going to wish for any tragic happenings, I know better than to tempt the fates. They've screwed with me enough for awhile. Maybe I need to see a baby animal be born, or witness a marriage, or get my heart broken and cut off my ear....wait... that would be art...not my forte
Well, I guess I will continue to ponder on how to get my groove back, maybe I will ask Stella how she did it...Until then,
Stay classy, my well rested friends
My point is this; My life hasn't been a cake walk for the last year and a half, I would compare it more to a cake walk where the cakes are made out of broken glass and I have to walk on them without shoes; But I have been able to process these experiences through writing, and poetry... But now, I've got nothin'. Bupkiss. Goose eggs. My life isn't by any means perfect, but it's a lot better than it has been in awhile. The problem is, I have nothing to write about, no inspiration comes to mind. I can throw a rhyme together as good as the next incredibly word minded person, but it used to be that I could just start typing and words would cascaded onto the screen, but now I just stare at an empty word document.
I just got a job working a few hours at a butcher shop, but that doesn't exactly inspire the next great American poem. Not many things rhyme with Goat hamburger, or Elk jerky. I guess the next step to finding inspiration would be, falling in love, because I'm sure not going to wish for any tragic happenings, I know better than to tempt the fates. They've screwed with me enough for awhile. Maybe I need to see a baby animal be born, or witness a marriage, or get my heart broken and cut off my ear....wait... that would be art...not my forte
Well, I guess I will continue to ponder on how to get my groove back, maybe I will ask Stella how she did it...Until then,
Stay classy, my well rested friends
Inspiration’s
Vacation
Where’s the
inspiration gone, and why isn’t coming back?
Why did it take the
first train out on the one-way track?
I wish I were an
engineer to turn the train around
I wish my muse would
return
And fill my soul with
something profound
To think about,
To write about,
To speak a meaningful word
But all that comes
out when I open my mouth,
is what has already been heard
The originality is
missing,
The creativity is
gone
The sun set on new
ideas
Nothing rising with
the dawn
Sunday, September 23, 2012
the bouncer
My parents house is overrun by two things: animals, and small children. We have 2 cats, 3 dogs, 6 grandchildren, and an adopted grandchild my mom has tended every weekday since she was 6 weeks old. For these reasons we have gates put up throughout the house. these gates serve a number of purposes. 1)They keep the babies away from the stairs. Nobody wants a kid with a cracked skull, and as funny as it is to watch the stick figure baby fall down the stairs on youtube, it isn't real life..this is.
2) keeps the animals out of certain parts of the house. This second one isn't all that useful. the cats can jump over the gates and my mom's 3 lb. miniature Maltese can squeeze through the side of the gate.
3) make my life miserable! this purpose is served very well. if the door is open just a little bit, then my dog can push it open the rest of the way with his head; but if it is shut, he just stands there and barks until I open the gate for him. For this reason I feel like a bouncer at a night club. I have the power to grant or deny access. I could leave him on the other side of the gate, and go about my tasks in peace. Just kidding, he would just bark until I let him through, or stare me down with those sad, "my former owner abandoned me" eyes, and I just can't handle those eyes. So I breakdown every time and leave my comfy armchair to grant him entrance to my bedroom. It's times like these that I wish my dog had apposable thumbs, or a stronger head so that he could push his way through the gate.
Stay classy my well rested friends
2) keeps the animals out of certain parts of the house. This second one isn't all that useful. the cats can jump over the gates and my mom's 3 lb. miniature Maltese can squeeze through the side of the gate.
3) make my life miserable! this purpose is served very well. if the door is open just a little bit, then my dog can push it open the rest of the way with his head; but if it is shut, he just stands there and barks until I open the gate for him. For this reason I feel like a bouncer at a night club. I have the power to grant or deny access. I could leave him on the other side of the gate, and go about my tasks in peace. Just kidding, he would just bark until I let him through, or stare me down with those sad, "my former owner abandoned me" eyes, and I just can't handle those eyes. So I breakdown every time and leave my comfy armchair to grant him entrance to my bedroom. It's times like these that I wish my dog had apposable thumbs, or a stronger head so that he could push his way through the gate.
Stay classy my well rested friends
Opposable thumbs
This is what
separates us from other animals
Sure we can talk,
drive cars, and go to McDonalds to get big bums
But nothing compares
to opposable thumbs
It puts us in a class
all of our own
With one movement we
can flag down a car
Or show disapproval.
When combined with a
sticking out of the tongue
We communicate
disgust to others
Think of how
impressive it would be if dogs could give thumbs up to their mothers
Imagine, dogs,
gerbils or cats trying to do menial tasks
Holding a fork?
No way!
Stirring some soup?
Forget about it!
But it would be funny
to watch them try.
We never know how important thumbs are,
but what if one day, your thumb just up and
died?
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