stop this train

I like to listen to music that makes me think about the lyrics I'm listening to. Sometimes I will stew over a particular song for days. The most recent victim caught in my bear trap of a brain, is a song by John Mayer. If you have never heard the album "Continuum" I highly recommend it. The whole album is great. The particular song I have been thinking about is called "Stop This Train". It's about the things in life that we can't control. I've provided the link here.
John Mayer uses a train as a metaphor for life. "stop this train, I want to get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in". Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of death. I remember vividly, having panic attacks as a child because I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of death. I now accept that death is a part of life, and now I just worry about life after death. In my religion we believe that there is life after death, we believe that we can be with our families for eternity. This thought is very comforting and extremely scary to me at the same time. I would love nothing more than to be with my family forever, but I not unlike most other humans, can not possibly wrap my head around the idea of forever. When I think about it I feel the panic attack coming until I direct my thoughts elsewhere...moving on.
I've thought a lot about my life; the things I've already accomplished, the things that have yet to happen. I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on the last year, until now. I graduated from college, I left the place I lived for 3 years, friends, a job.I began to see the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel, that had been my life for the last year. I went back to a summer job I hadn't been to in 3 years, A place that I never thought I would return to; not because I didn't like it. On the contrary, I credit the Wyman Teen Leadership program for making me the person I am today. without all of the people I met, the lessons I learned, the tears and the laughs, I wouldn't be me. I thought that I had learned everything I needed to from that experience, but I was wrong. Through divine intervention I was able to return last summer. I had just given my two weeks at my other job, and a member of the supervisory staff had found another job, they were in a bind... I needed a job. It worked out perfectly. I met people that I'm so glad to have in my life, and had adventures in the hills of Tennessee I wouldn't trade for the world. The end of 2012 wasn't so hot, but I'm becoming optimistic about 2013.
I feel like there is something great I should be accomplishing. I'm currently looking into graduate schools to pursue my masters degree in social work... I think. My mind always seems to change. That's what feels right for now.
I know that at some point in my life I will do great things. Right now I can't see it, I spend a lot of time regretting the past, ruminating on the person I used to be. The past is gone, I cannot bring it back, the train has left the station and continued on it's track.
I know that if I let myself, I will find the thing I need to do, and I will let myself have the adventures I need to have. there are a couple things I am excited for in 2013

1- road trip to Missouri with one of the only people if not the only person who understands and laughs at 95% of my jokes
2-Returning to Wyman for a jam packed summer
3- getting a job (fingers crossed)
4- getting in shape, and feeling healthy
5- cutting my arm off, or finally finding out what's wrong...at this point I'm ready to take the first option
6- skinny dipping...or for me...chunky dunking

and many other things to come.
I know that I have gone off on many tangents, but I would like to leave you with a thought I have started to form....hopefully it will sound somewhat coherent.

All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive.

I'm sorry if this was fractured, and didn't make a bit of sense. I just felt like it needed to be written.. if for no one elses benefit but my own

Stay classy