I need someone to analyze my dreams, because they are pretty messed up. I took Ambien to help me sleep during the summer because A: Camp beds aren't all that comfortable, and B: I'm a whack job when I'm stressed out... Which was pretty much all the time. I did have some crazy stress dreams, but those are pretty normal, I think the craziest dreams I've ever had were during finals week, but I digress. I have since stopped taking Ambien, and my dreams are crazier than ever, and there's a theme!
A lot of people have reoccurring dreams or at least reoccurring themes, like being naked in different situations, teeth falling out, flying, things like that; but I've never been a themey dreamer. My dreams have pretty much come willy nilly and I would wake up in the morning scratching my head, but now I dream about things chasing me. Crazy, Psycho animals that stalk their prey, and it's not just your run of the mill panther, or tiger. These are the crazy hybrids that were used for chemical testing or had laser beams attached to their heads, and all for the purpose of scaring the CRAP out of dream me. In one dream it was panthers with crazy bright eyes that you saw right before they chased you down, the second dream was about those crazy Pit-bull looking things from "The Hunger Games", and the dream I had last night was about a crazy looking tiger. It had a huge head, and it's whole body was bald. It still had stripes but they were grey and red stripes that were on the inside of his body. Somehow, I always manage to escape these crazy, lab rejects, but not before they scare the heeber jeebers out of me!
I don't know if this means something, or if all that time hitting my head playing rugby is catching up to me, but I don't know how much more dream me can take. Say what you want about Ambien but at least when I was taking it I was being chased by crazy cats in my dreamsBad
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Let go
Why is there always one person that you can't escape. No matter how much you fight, and say they don't matter, somehow the hold is still there. The imaginary, invisible choke hold still keeps you around. Held against your will, but still you stay. WHY???!!! How do we give people power over us, and what do we do to gain our independence from these, most of the time unsuspecting, uncaring to our plight oppressors. We think that we have found the key to loosen our shackles and grant us freedom, and then they bring us a scrap of bread, and we hand them the key and willingly lock ourselves up again. I pride myself on being perceptive, and a keen observer of human nature, but this is one of those things that continues to blow my mind, and leave me scratching my head.
-->
-->
Refuge
I used to want to
stay with you,
But now you pull me
away,
from moving on to better things
Your leash won’t let
me stray.
I tell myself I’m
done with you,
your actions leave me no reason to do doubt
But then in the wind
I hear you calling me,
the world has shut
you out
I open up my door to
you, and pray you come inside
To keep you from the
elements, I ask you to abide
My one thought is to
keep you safe, and away from any harm
You impress me with
your kindly ways, your wittiness and charm
The morning comes,
the storm has long since broke
You leave with what
you came with, I supply you with a cloak
You head on your merry
way and thank me for my home
You continue on with
your journey, the earth is yours to roam
You changed my house
when you came in, it will never be the same
At first it shone
more brightly, but then the darkness came.
I pleaded for your
guiding hand, but yet no answer came.
I howled into the
darkness, yelling out your name
My house is cold,
devoid of light it welcomes no one in
To think, if the wind
had brought you here
I can only think what
might have been.
Monday, April 1, 2013
slow it down
Exciting news! I went to sleep last night without the help of pills!
Now, for the rest of you this news may not be very exciting, but if you were me, and had not be able to sleep for the last year without pain medication or Ambien, you would be very excited... You might even write it in your blog. I have be doing more intensive physical therapy for the last month or so, and every time I go, I feel a little bit stronger. The end is near, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
And now the real reason for this post. I think that as a media connected generation we have been lulled into a false sense of security. We have been led to believe that the world is at our fingertips. Joy, Excitement, and happiness are a mouse click away. Life is one big adventure, all we have to do is live it! I've been watching a lot of netflix lately... Okay, I'll be honest... I've watching GLEE... don't judge me. This may be a bad example, but the message portrayed on Glee is that you can do anything you want, your dreams aren't going to wait, so you have to get out there and do them now. While that is a nice sentiment...it makes me feel bad about myself, and makes me wonder what I'm doing living at home with my parents when I can be on a street corner singing show tunes, or in New York starring in my own one woman show "Look out world, She's coming!"... It's a working title.
The fact is, I think that I know what I want to do with my life, but my plan isn't moving along as fast as I would have hoped. If I had it my way, I would be almost done with my first year of grad school in a profession, I'm not sure I want to do. If we go back to the plan "high school me" had for my life, I would be married with a couple of kids by now...She was a nice kid, but a little naive :)
In reality: I'm 27, I live with my Parents, I have a bachelors degree in Psychology, and I haven't done a thing with it, and I'm no closer to being married than I was just after high school.
But here's the kicker... For the most part, for now, I am happy. I had some things that I needed to deal with. My shoulder pain, my depression, and my crippling fear of the unknown that is my future; and there is no way that I would have been able to do that if I was in grad school, or in a place where I wasn't so close to my supportive family. I do miss being around my friends and closer to people my own age, but sometimes... you just need your mommy.
The thing that Glee, and "high school me" failed to see, is that sometimes, you need to slow it down. I would not trade the last 9 months for anything in the world. I have been able to see my niece go from an infant to a sassy, rampaging toddler. The relationship I have with my mom now is stronger than it has ever been. We can sit and gab like old pals, and before it was just a quick convo about the important stuff.
I will move on, I will go to grad school(I think I even know now what I want to be when I grow up) I will have adventures, be around people my own age, I will even get married and have children, and my high school self will be giddy with schoolgirl joy. but for now, I will be grateful for this short time I have to be with my family, and the strength they give me to live life. That will be the strength I use to face the world, however far I travel. Life will go fast, and adventures will fade... But I will always have this time.
Now, for the rest of you this news may not be very exciting, but if you were me, and had not be able to sleep for the last year without pain medication or Ambien, you would be very excited... You might even write it in your blog. I have be doing more intensive physical therapy for the last month or so, and every time I go, I feel a little bit stronger. The end is near, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
And now the real reason for this post. I think that as a media connected generation we have been lulled into a false sense of security. We have been led to believe that the world is at our fingertips. Joy, Excitement, and happiness are a mouse click away. Life is one big adventure, all we have to do is live it! I've been watching a lot of netflix lately... Okay, I'll be honest... I've watching GLEE... don't judge me. This may be a bad example, but the message portrayed on Glee is that you can do anything you want, your dreams aren't going to wait, so you have to get out there and do them now. While that is a nice sentiment...it makes me feel bad about myself, and makes me wonder what I'm doing living at home with my parents when I can be on a street corner singing show tunes, or in New York starring in my own one woman show "Look out world, She's coming!"... It's a working title.
The fact is, I think that I know what I want to do with my life, but my plan isn't moving along as fast as I would have hoped. If I had it my way, I would be almost done with my first year of grad school in a profession, I'm not sure I want to do. If we go back to the plan "high school me" had for my life, I would be married with a couple of kids by now...She was a nice kid, but a little naive :)
In reality: I'm 27, I live with my Parents, I have a bachelors degree in Psychology, and I haven't done a thing with it, and I'm no closer to being married than I was just after high school.
But here's the kicker... For the most part, for now, I am happy. I had some things that I needed to deal with. My shoulder pain, my depression, and my crippling fear of the unknown that is my future; and there is no way that I would have been able to do that if I was in grad school, or in a place where I wasn't so close to my supportive family. I do miss being around my friends and closer to people my own age, but sometimes... you just need your mommy.
The thing that Glee, and "high school me" failed to see, is that sometimes, you need to slow it down. I would not trade the last 9 months for anything in the world. I have been able to see my niece go from an infant to a sassy, rampaging toddler. The relationship I have with my mom now is stronger than it has ever been. We can sit and gab like old pals, and before it was just a quick convo about the important stuff.
I will move on, I will go to grad school(I think I even know now what I want to be when I grow up) I will have adventures, be around people my own age, I will even get married and have children, and my high school self will be giddy with schoolgirl joy. but for now, I will be grateful for this short time I have to be with my family, and the strength they give me to live life. That will be the strength I use to face the world, however far I travel. Life will go fast, and adventures will fade... But I will always have this time.
Monday, March 4, 2013
I am the Panda...coo coo ca choo
Last week I started doing Zumba at my gym, for anyone who doesn't know what Zumba is, I will tell you; it's basically a mix between latin dancing and aerobics. It's a good work out, and I've had a lot of fun so far, but I have made a sad discovery... I am a panda bear.
If you know anything about Latin dancing you know that it is very sexy. You have to be comfortable with your body, and (heat) so to speak, that you put off with your sexy dancing. In Zumba there is a lot of hip shaking, booty bouncing, and chest flaunting going on. To make matters worse, there is a mirror that I can see myself in while dancing, so I can see exactly how un-sexy I am.
B.J. Novak talks about Pandas being an endangered species, not because of anything humans are doing, because let's face it...Pandas are freaking adorable, there is even a lab in China that cooks up little Pandas in petri dishes, but I digress... The reason Pandas are going extinct is because they won't mate with each other. apparently they don't see their own species as attractive, and I have never heard of a panda mating dance, so lets face it, if they don't have their looks to get them by, they're kind of screwed.
For this reason, I am a Panda. People think that I am adorable, and cute, and oh so cuddly, all true things, but let's face it, nobody wants their potential spouse just because of their cute, cuddly exterior. In any relationship there has to be a certain degree of heat, and sexuality, and if Zumba is any indication...I am bound to roam the earth alone, like my friend the Panda bear.
If you know anything about Latin dancing you know that it is very sexy. You have to be comfortable with your body, and (heat) so to speak, that you put off with your sexy dancing. In Zumba there is a lot of hip shaking, booty bouncing, and chest flaunting going on. To make matters worse, there is a mirror that I can see myself in while dancing, so I can see exactly how un-sexy I am.
B.J. Novak talks about Pandas being an endangered species, not because of anything humans are doing, because let's face it...Pandas are freaking adorable, there is even a lab in China that cooks up little Pandas in petri dishes, but I digress... The reason Pandas are going extinct is because they won't mate with each other. apparently they don't see their own species as attractive, and I have never heard of a panda mating dance, so lets face it, if they don't have their looks to get them by, they're kind of screwed.
For this reason, I am a Panda. People think that I am adorable, and cute, and oh so cuddly, all true things, but let's face it, nobody wants their potential spouse just because of their cute, cuddly exterior. In any relationship there has to be a certain degree of heat, and sexuality, and if Zumba is any indication...I am bound to roam the earth alone, like my friend the Panda bear.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
badges of honor
You know how sometimes when you learn a new word, you start hearing that word everywhere, or one of your friends gets a new car, and suddenly you see that car everywhere? Since I wrote my last post I have had the subject matter come up quite frequently in the past few days.. Partly because I asked my friends for their opinion. I wasn't sure if what I had written made any sense, So I needed to ask people who were smarter than me to validate my thoughts. I also have this weird quirk of not reading what I have written right after I have finished. It takes me a couple of days to go back and read over it, then I see all the spelling errors I made. At any rate I have had a couple to think over and process what I wrote in my last post, so if it is okay with you I would like to revisit the subject matter...and even if it's not okay with you, it's my blog and I'll do what I want.
SIDE NOTE: Part of what I have learned in the last few days, I will draw parallels with my religious beliefs I'm not trying to offend anyone, or shove my religion down the throat of my reader, I am simply writing what I know and what I come across in my cultural experience. Please feel free to ask questions or stop reading if you are offended.
In my last post I wrote: "All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive".
I still hold to the belief that we are all going to face traumatic events at some point in our life, that will leave us with a memento either physically or mentally. I also hold to the belief that we are not meant to be the same people when we leave this life as we were when we came into this life. If so, what was the point of coming to the earth in the first place. if we learn nothing, while we are alive, we lose out on the vast opportunities we are given to learn and progress while we are here.
With that being said, I think that the way we deal with problems is up to us it is not necessarily our choice when bad things happen but it is our choice of how we deal with them.
Story time: Almost two years ago in March I was in a swimming accident. I got caught in a riptide and I was being carried away from the shore, and my friends that were trying to help me. I was being slammed by waves, and I couldn't catch my breath because the waves just kept coming, and the exact moment that I was ready to give up, a lifeguard handed me a preserver and swam with me holding on to the preserver for dear life, safely to shore. When he handed me the preserver, the rope got wrapped around my arm, and gave me some nasty rope burn. Each time I looked at that rope burn, it was a reminder to me that life is fleeting and I needed to be more careful. day after day the rope burn faded and I began to panic. How was I going to keep myself in check without my rope burn reminder?
We all have scars. some we look at and remember a misadventure as a child, others we look at and remember a rogue tin can. I was so scared for my rope burn to fade because I wanted it to serve as a symbol for my life. All I would have to do is look at this scar, and I would remember to be careful, to always think of the important people in my life before I did something dangerous. The rope burn faded and I was left with mental reminders of the accident. Most of them were negative, and I let them eat away at me at make me bitter. I am still reminded of this traumatic event, but instead of letting the negative reminders remain, I am hoping that it will eventually serve as a reminder that life is precious, and that sometimes things weren't in our plan happen.
We all face adversity, and our left with marks. But we are the ones that choose how these marks will affect us. Will they serve as an ugly reminder that we did something terrible? Will we lock ourselves away from the world because we are too ugly to be seen? or will we let it be seen as a badge of honor? a sign that we faced adversity, and conquered.
I have thought about Jesus Christ the last few days, and the scars that he bears. He has scars on his hands, wrist, feet, and in his side where he was pierced with a spear. These scars remain, so that his children will know that he died so that we could live. When he returned to his apostles after his Resurrection he told to look at his hands and feet and to thrust their hand in his side so they would know it was him. I am grateful for those scars and that even though he had a perfected body, those scars were left as a symbol of his eternal love for his children.
I have a scar on my thigh of where a girl cleated me during a rugby game. I love that scar and I show it to anyone who is around when I have shorts on...I'm really proud of it.
In this life it is inevitable that we will face pain, tragedy, and bitterness; on the other hand we will also know pleasure, moments of pure joy, and we will taste sweet things. Let us not be afraid to live because of the trials we will face, but let us remember that our trials will make us stronger. let us wear our scars with pride, and be a symbol to others that we chose to fight. Remember that to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, we must first face a little darkness.
Be well and stay classy my friends.
SIDE NOTE: Part of what I have learned in the last few days, I will draw parallels with my religious beliefs I'm not trying to offend anyone, or shove my religion down the throat of my reader, I am simply writing what I know and what I come across in my cultural experience. Please feel free to ask questions or stop reading if you are offended.
In my last post I wrote: "All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive".
I still hold to the belief that we are all going to face traumatic events at some point in our life, that will leave us with a memento either physically or mentally. I also hold to the belief that we are not meant to be the same people when we leave this life as we were when we came into this life. If so, what was the point of coming to the earth in the first place. if we learn nothing, while we are alive, we lose out on the vast opportunities we are given to learn and progress while we are here.
With that being said, I think that the way we deal with problems is up to us it is not necessarily our choice when bad things happen but it is our choice of how we deal with them.
Story time: Almost two years ago in March I was in a swimming accident. I got caught in a riptide and I was being carried away from the shore, and my friends that were trying to help me. I was being slammed by waves, and I couldn't catch my breath because the waves just kept coming, and the exact moment that I was ready to give up, a lifeguard handed me a preserver and swam with me holding on to the preserver for dear life, safely to shore. When he handed me the preserver, the rope got wrapped around my arm, and gave me some nasty rope burn. Each time I looked at that rope burn, it was a reminder to me that life is fleeting and I needed to be more careful. day after day the rope burn faded and I began to panic. How was I going to keep myself in check without my rope burn reminder?
We all have scars. some we look at and remember a misadventure as a child, others we look at and remember a rogue tin can. I was so scared for my rope burn to fade because I wanted it to serve as a symbol for my life. All I would have to do is look at this scar, and I would remember to be careful, to always think of the important people in my life before I did something dangerous. The rope burn faded and I was left with mental reminders of the accident. Most of them were negative, and I let them eat away at me at make me bitter. I am still reminded of this traumatic event, but instead of letting the negative reminders remain, I am hoping that it will eventually serve as a reminder that life is precious, and that sometimes things weren't in our plan happen.
We all face adversity, and our left with marks. But we are the ones that choose how these marks will affect us. Will they serve as an ugly reminder that we did something terrible? Will we lock ourselves away from the world because we are too ugly to be seen? or will we let it be seen as a badge of honor? a sign that we faced adversity, and conquered.
I have thought about Jesus Christ the last few days, and the scars that he bears. He has scars on his hands, wrist, feet, and in his side where he was pierced with a spear. These scars remain, so that his children will know that he died so that we could live. When he returned to his apostles after his Resurrection he told to look at his hands and feet and to thrust their hand in his side so they would know it was him. I am grateful for those scars and that even though he had a perfected body, those scars were left as a symbol of his eternal love for his children.
I have a scar on my thigh of where a girl cleated me during a rugby game. I love that scar and I show it to anyone who is around when I have shorts on...I'm really proud of it.
In this life it is inevitable that we will face pain, tragedy, and bitterness; on the other hand we will also know pleasure, moments of pure joy, and we will taste sweet things. Let us not be afraid to live because of the trials we will face, but let us remember that our trials will make us stronger. let us wear our scars with pride, and be a symbol to others that we chose to fight. Remember that to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, we must first face a little darkness.
Be well and stay classy my friends.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
stop this train
I like to listen to music that makes me think about the lyrics I'm listening to. Sometimes I will stew over a particular song for days. The most recent victim caught in my bear trap of a brain, is a song by John Mayer. If you have never heard the album "Continuum" I highly recommend it. The whole album is great. The particular song I have been thinking about is called "Stop This Train". It's about the things in life that we can't control. I've provided the link here.
John Mayer uses a train as a metaphor for life. "stop this train, I want to get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in". Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of death. I remember vividly, having panic attacks as a child because I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of death. I now accept that death is a part of life, and now I just worry about life after death. In my religion we believe that there is life after death, we believe that we can be with our families for eternity. This thought is very comforting and extremely scary to me at the same time. I would love nothing more than to be with my family forever, but I not unlike most other humans, can not possibly wrap my head around the idea of forever. When I think about it I feel the panic attack coming until I direct my thoughts elsewhere...moving on.
I've thought a lot about my life; the things I've already accomplished, the things that have yet to happen. I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on the last year, until now. I graduated from college, I left the place I lived for 3 years, friends, a job.I began to see the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel, that had been my life for the last year. I went back to a summer job I hadn't been to in 3 years, A place that I never thought I would return to; not because I didn't like it. On the contrary, I credit the Wyman Teen Leadership program for making me the person I am today. without all of the people I met, the lessons I learned, the tears and the laughs, I wouldn't be me. I thought that I had learned everything I needed to from that experience, but I was wrong. Through divine intervention I was able to return last summer. I had just given my two weeks at my other job, and a member of the supervisory staff had found another job, they were in a bind... I needed a job. It worked out perfectly. I met people that I'm so glad to have in my life, and had adventures in the hills of Tennessee I wouldn't trade for the world. The end of 2012 wasn't so hot, but I'm becoming optimistic about 2013.
I feel like there is something great I should be accomplishing. I'm currently looking into graduate schools to pursue my masters degree in social work... I think. My mind always seems to change. That's what feels right for now.
I know that at some point in my life I will do great things. Right now I can't see it, I spend a lot of time regretting the past, ruminating on the person I used to be. The past is gone, I cannot bring it back, the train has left the station and continued on it's track.
I know that if I let myself, I will find the thing I need to do, and I will let myself have the adventures I need to have. there are a couple things I am excited for in 2013
1- road trip to Missouri with one of the only people if not the only person who understands and laughs at 95% of my jokes
2-Returning to Wyman for a jam packed summer
3- getting a job (fingers crossed)
4- getting in shape, and feeling healthy
5- cutting my arm off, or finally finding out what's wrong...at this point I'm ready to take the first option
6- skinny dipping...or for me...chunky dunking
and many other things to come.
I know that I have gone off on many tangents, but I would like to leave you with a thought I have started to form....hopefully it will sound somewhat coherent.
All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive.
I'm sorry if this was fractured, and didn't make a bit of sense. I just felt like it needed to be written.. if for no one elses benefit but my own
Stay classy
John Mayer uses a train as a metaphor for life. "stop this train, I want to get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in". Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of death. I remember vividly, having panic attacks as a child because I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of death. I now accept that death is a part of life, and now I just worry about life after death. In my religion we believe that there is life after death, we believe that we can be with our families for eternity. This thought is very comforting and extremely scary to me at the same time. I would love nothing more than to be with my family forever, but I not unlike most other humans, can not possibly wrap my head around the idea of forever. When I think about it I feel the panic attack coming until I direct my thoughts elsewhere...moving on.
I've thought a lot about my life; the things I've already accomplished, the things that have yet to happen. I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on the last year, until now. I graduated from college, I left the place I lived for 3 years, friends, a job.I began to see the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel, that had been my life for the last year. I went back to a summer job I hadn't been to in 3 years, A place that I never thought I would return to; not because I didn't like it. On the contrary, I credit the Wyman Teen Leadership program for making me the person I am today. without all of the people I met, the lessons I learned, the tears and the laughs, I wouldn't be me. I thought that I had learned everything I needed to from that experience, but I was wrong. Through divine intervention I was able to return last summer. I had just given my two weeks at my other job, and a member of the supervisory staff had found another job, they were in a bind... I needed a job. It worked out perfectly. I met people that I'm so glad to have in my life, and had adventures in the hills of Tennessee I wouldn't trade for the world. The end of 2012 wasn't so hot, but I'm becoming optimistic about 2013.
I feel like there is something great I should be accomplishing. I'm currently looking into graduate schools to pursue my masters degree in social work... I think. My mind always seems to change. That's what feels right for now.
I know that at some point in my life I will do great things. Right now I can't see it, I spend a lot of time regretting the past, ruminating on the person I used to be. The past is gone, I cannot bring it back, the train has left the station and continued on it's track.
I know that if I let myself, I will find the thing I need to do, and I will let myself have the adventures I need to have. there are a couple things I am excited for in 2013
1- road trip to Missouri with one of the only people if not the only person who understands and laughs at 95% of my jokes
2-Returning to Wyman for a jam packed summer
3- getting a job (fingers crossed)
4- getting in shape, and feeling healthy
5- cutting my arm off, or finally finding out what's wrong...at this point I'm ready to take the first option
6- skinny dipping...or for me...chunky dunking
and many other things to come.
I know that I have gone off on many tangents, but I would like to leave you with a thought I have started to form....hopefully it will sound somewhat coherent.
All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive.
I'm sorry if this was fractured, and didn't make a bit of sense. I just felt like it needed to be written.. if for no one elses benefit but my own
Stay classy
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