badges of honor

You know how sometimes when you learn a new word, you start hearing that word everywhere, or one of your friends gets a new car, and suddenly you see that car everywhere? Since I wrote my last post I have had the subject matter come up quite frequently in the past few days.. Partly because I asked my friends for their opinion. I wasn't sure if what I had written made any sense, So I needed to ask people who were smarter than me to validate my thoughts. I also have this weird quirk of not reading what I have written right after I have finished. It takes me a couple of days to go back and read over it, then I see all the spelling errors I made. At any rate I have had a couple to think over and process what I wrote in my last post, so if it is okay with you I would like to revisit the subject matter...and even if it's not okay with you, it's my blog and I'll do what I want.

SIDE NOTE: Part of what I have learned in the last few days, I will draw parallels with my religious beliefs I'm not trying to offend anyone, or shove my religion down the throat of my reader, I am simply writing what I know and what I come across in my cultural experience. Please feel free to ask questions or stop reading if you are offended.

In my last post I wrote: "All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive".

I still hold to the belief that we are all going to face traumatic events at some point in our life, that will leave us with a memento either physically or mentally. I also hold to the belief that we are not meant to be the same people when we leave this life as we were when we came into this life. If so, what was the point of coming to the earth in the first place. if we learn nothing, while we are alive, we lose out on the vast opportunities we are given to learn and progress while we are here.
With that being said, I think that the way we deal with problems is up to us it is not necessarily our choice when bad things happen but it is our choice of how we deal with them.
Story time: Almost two years ago in March I was in a swimming accident. I got caught in a riptide and I was being carried away from the shore, and my friends that were trying to help me. I was being slammed by waves, and I couldn't catch my breath because the waves just kept coming, and the exact moment that I was ready to give up, a lifeguard handed me a preserver and swam with me holding on to the preserver for dear life, safely to shore. When he handed me the preserver, the rope got wrapped around my arm, and gave me some nasty rope burn. Each time I looked at that rope burn, it was a reminder to me that life is fleeting and I needed to be more careful. day after day the rope burn faded and I began to panic. How was I going to keep myself in check without my rope burn reminder?
We all have scars. some we look at and remember a misadventure as a child, others we look at and remember a rogue tin can. I was so scared for my rope burn to fade because I wanted it to serve as a symbol for my life. All I would have to do is look at this scar, and I would remember to be careful, to always think of the important people in my life before I did something dangerous. The rope burn faded and I was left with mental reminders of the accident. Most of them were negative, and I let them eat away at me at make me bitter. I  am still reminded of this traumatic event, but instead of letting the negative reminders remain, I am hoping that it will eventually serve as a reminder that life is precious, and that sometimes things weren't in our plan happen.
We all face adversity, and our left with marks. But we are the ones that choose how these marks will affect us. Will they serve as an ugly reminder that we did something terrible? Will we lock ourselves away from the world because we are too ugly to be seen? or will we let it be seen as a badge of honor? a sign that we faced adversity, and conquered.
I have thought about Jesus Christ the last few days, and the scars that he bears. He has scars on his hands, wrist, feet, and in his side where he was pierced with a spear. These scars remain, so that his children will know that he died so that we could live. When he returned to his apostles after his Resurrection he told to look at his hands and feet and to thrust their hand in his side so they would know it was him. I am grateful for those scars and that even though he had a perfected body, those scars were left as a symbol of his eternal love for his children.

I have a scar on my thigh of where a girl cleated me during a rugby game. I love that scar and I show it to anyone who is around when I have shorts on...I'm really proud of it.
 In this life it is inevitable that we will face pain, tragedy, and bitterness; on the other hand we will also know pleasure, moments of pure joy, and we will taste sweet things. Let us not be afraid to live because of the trials we will face, but let us remember that our trials will make us stronger. let us wear our scars with pride, and be a symbol to others that we chose to fight. Remember that to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, we must first face a little darkness.

Be well and stay classy my friends. 

stop this train

I like to listen to music that makes me think about the lyrics I'm listening to. Sometimes I will stew over a particular song for days. The most recent victim caught in my bear trap of a brain, is a song by John Mayer. If you have never heard the album "Continuum" I highly recommend it. The whole album is great. The particular song I have been thinking about is called "Stop This Train". It's about the things in life that we can't control. I've provided the link here.
John Mayer uses a train as a metaphor for life. "stop this train, I want to get off and go home again, I can't take the speed it's moving in". Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of death. I remember vividly, having panic attacks as a child because I couldn't wrap my head around the thought of death. I now accept that death is a part of life, and now I just worry about life after death. In my religion we believe that there is life after death, we believe that we can be with our families for eternity. This thought is very comforting and extremely scary to me at the same time. I would love nothing more than to be with my family forever, but I not unlike most other humans, can not possibly wrap my head around the idea of forever. When I think about it I feel the panic attack coming until I direct my thoughts elsewhere...moving on.
I've thought a lot about my life; the things I've already accomplished, the things that have yet to happen. I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on the last year, until now. I graduated from college, I left the place I lived for 3 years, friends, a job.I began to see the light at the end of a very very dark tunnel, that had been my life for the last year. I went back to a summer job I hadn't been to in 3 years, A place that I never thought I would return to; not because I didn't like it. On the contrary, I credit the Wyman Teen Leadership program for making me the person I am today. without all of the people I met, the lessons I learned, the tears and the laughs, I wouldn't be me. I thought that I had learned everything I needed to from that experience, but I was wrong. Through divine intervention I was able to return last summer. I had just given my two weeks at my other job, and a member of the supervisory staff had found another job, they were in a bind... I needed a job. It worked out perfectly. I met people that I'm so glad to have in my life, and had adventures in the hills of Tennessee I wouldn't trade for the world. The end of 2012 wasn't so hot, but I'm becoming optimistic about 2013.
I feel like there is something great I should be accomplishing. I'm currently looking into graduate schools to pursue my masters degree in social work... I think. My mind always seems to change. That's what feels right for now.
I know that at some point in my life I will do great things. Right now I can't see it, I spend a lot of time regretting the past, ruminating on the person I used to be. The past is gone, I cannot bring it back, the train has left the station and continued on it's track.
I know that if I let myself, I will find the thing I need to do, and I will let myself have the adventures I need to have. there are a couple things I am excited for in 2013

1- road trip to Missouri with one of the only people if not the only person who understands and laughs at 95% of my jokes
2-Returning to Wyman for a jam packed summer
3- getting a job (fingers crossed)
4- getting in shape, and feeling healthy
5- cutting my arm off, or finally finding out what's wrong...at this point I'm ready to take the first option
6- skinny dipping...or for me...chunky dunking

and many other things to come.
I know that I have gone off on many tangents, but I would like to leave you with a thought I have started to form....hopefully it will sound somewhat coherent.

All of us, at some point in our lives are going to have something traumatic happen to us that wasn't apart of our plan that changes us in ways we didn't think possible. We will be left with scars, some physical, some mental. Because of this event, a part of us will die, or be chipped away. in it's place will be a guarded heart, a more sober mind, or a more cautious person all around. We will look at the world differently, and maybe even have a harder time coping with everyday life. We will go through the five stages of grief for that part of ourselves we lost, and eventually we'll accept that that part of us is gone. and even though its replacement isn't the same, either way it's part of us, and maybe it was part of some plan for it to be there all along. I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We are not going to make it through this life unscathed. we are going to be bruised and scarred, and beaten down. but maybe the person we started out in this world as, is not the person we are meant to be when we leave. no matter how painful these bruises are, or how ugly the scars might look, they become a part of who we've become, and they not only show that we were thrown around, but they show that we didn't give up. we came through with a callused, harder shell that helped us survive.

I'm sorry if this was fractured, and didn't make a bit of sense. I just felt like it needed to be written.. if for no one elses benefit but my own

Stay classy